I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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