Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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