I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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