Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
