I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I wish there were birth control emojis
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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