My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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