Tell her she can't have a vagina
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
