Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
