my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
