You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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