The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
