Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
