I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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