My nipple is on Facebook.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Of course I have a pirate flag
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
