we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
