Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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