i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Randomize
