I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
