Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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