Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Hey I don't know if you will get this but all I know is you are so beautiful to .ee and? I dare anyone to stop me me from caring for you ante so beautiful so I kid you not gorgeous iyoiu are so beautiful to me i dare som.eone too stioo you
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
