No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
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