Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
