if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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