Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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