He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
