he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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