Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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