apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Randomize
