Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
