Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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