The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
