I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Randomize
