How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
