Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
don't judge my taste in strippers
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
