A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
