I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
