I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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