I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Your penis caused this!
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