I'm jealous of your bromance
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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