Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
