I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
