did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Randomize
