EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
whose parrot is this?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
