singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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