So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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