So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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