I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
