3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
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