stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
