I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
